My girlfriend tried to break up with me the other day, she says “I can’t see you any more – my best girlfriend told me you’re a pedophile”. I told her, “Wow, that’s a pretty big word for a five year old”.
What’s Blue and sits in the corner? A baby wrapped in saran wrap.
What’s green and sits in the corner? The same baby a month later.
What goes “Pitter-Patter Pitter-Patter, BBBLTZZZZPTHZITs – – THUD? A baby walking into a fan.
What’s harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree? My d!ck while I’m doing it.
What’s the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can’t unload a truck of bowling balls with a pitch fork.
How many babies do you need to paint a room red? Depends how hard you beat them up
Whats red and screams? A baby chewing on a razor blade.
The other day I saw this black guy running across my street holding a TV. My first thought was “Is that mine?” … then I realized mine was still downstairs shining my shoes.
I’m not racist, I love black people. I think everybody should own one!
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than 9, because my basement is still dark.
What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a mound of dead babies? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
What’s the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne usually waits until the kid is a teenager to come on his face.
Why didn’t the autistic kid go to the party?
Because he wasn’t invited
Which part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
I’m not racist. Racism is a crime and crimes are for black people.
I’m not sexist. Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So nobody confuses them with feminists.
What’s the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese chick?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
My wife suggested today that we get our daughter Christened and I couldn’t be more pleased. I’m not religious at all, I just remember what happened when she suggested we Christen the new settee.
What’s the difference between Michael Phelps and Adolf Hitler?
Phelps knows how to finish a race.
What does a homeless woman use for a vibrator?
Two flies in a bottle.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
“Keep the tip”.
Girls are like blackjack… I’m trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can’t do stand up.
What do you call 40 mexicans buried up to their neck in sand? A spicket fence.
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None,they just sit in the dark and bitch.
Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico? 200 Mexicans died.
What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile.