At the start of his flight to Tel Aviv, Michael Lebovitz heard the following announcement “We are now going to show you a safety video. There may well be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only five ways to leave your aircraft. So please pay attention.”
one day, a chazan was bragging and boasting about the quality of his voice.
He told his friend, “Do you know that I even insured my voice for £750,000?”
His friend replied, “So what have you done with the money?”
“You’re in great shape,” says the doctor. “You’re going to live to be 70.”
“But I am 70,” Issy replies.
“Nu,” says the doctor, “did I lie?”
David and his friend Paul were talking.
David says, “You and I use the same call girl and I’ve discovered she is charging you, an accountant, twice as much as she charges me. Aren’t you angry?”
“No”, replies Paul, “I use the double entry system.”
Rachel was talking to her best friend Sadie. Rachel asked, “So, Sadie, how’s the bride?”
Sadie replied, “To tell you the truth, Rachel, not good. She’s so unhappy, she’s lost two stone already.”
Rachel then asked, “So why doesn’t she leave him?”
Sadie replied “Because she wants to lose two and a half stone!”
Freda and Kitty had been chatting for some time.
After a while, Kitty said, “I’ve got to rush, Freda, I’m off to a stone setting”
Freda replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Where are you going, Bushey?”
“No”, said Kitty, “Hatton Garden.”
PLEASE REPLY TO BOX NUMBER123
To which 5,000 replies were received “You can have mine.”
A small boat was sailing in Israeli water when Moishe’s smart boat pulled alongside.
A man on the deck of the sailboat yells, “Ahoy.”
To which Moishe shouts back “Ahoy, yoi, yoi!”
“Listen to me, Mr. Levy,” said the doctor. “If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you.”
“I know, but I can’t,” said Herb Levy. “My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
Q: Hear about the enterprising rabbi that’s offering circumcision via the Internet?
A: The service is called E-MOIL.
What’s better than God
More evil than the Devil
Poor people have it
Rich people want it
And if you eat it you die?
Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.
The usher asked, “Are you a friend of the bride?”
Sadie quickly relied, “No, of course not. I am the groom’s mother.”
Abe walks into the local tavern and sees his friend Moishe sitting at the bar. He puts his hand to his heart and yells: “Oy vey, Moishe! I’m so sorry to hear about your shop burning down.”
Moishe spun around quickly and whispered, “Shhhh….. it’s tomorrow!!!”
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for twenty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” Moishe asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
Did you hear about Moishe, who was sexually inexperienced? One day, Moishe went into a bookshop and bought “How to Hug ”
Later on, when he started to read his latest purchase, Moishe realised it was Volume 7 of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
Yossi comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful,” says the mother, “What part is it?” Yossi says “I play the part of the Jewish husband!” The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!”
“Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too, but who cares?”
And Moses said unto the lord, “We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?”
They tried to kill us.
91-year-old Monty and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce. Puzzled, the lawyer asks, “Why did you wait all this time if you were both so miserable for so long?”
Monty replies, “We were just waiting for the children to die.”
Abe’s son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
“Dad, you’ll be so proud of me,” he said, “I saved a pound by running behind the bus all the way home!”
“Oy Vey!” said Abe, “You could have run behind a taxi and saved £10.”
A German comes to London and stays with Maurice and his family.
The first morning they all have breakfast together and have bagels. The German exclaims “Wow we don’t have bagels like this in Germany.” To which Maurice stands up and yells “And whose fault is that?”
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, “Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!”
To which David replies, “Of course he does, you tell him everything.”
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Golders Green.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, “Farshtayn Yiddish?”
The man answers, “Yes, Ich Farshtay.”
Sadie then says, “Vot Time is It?”
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
“If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
Sam was driving down the road and gets pulled over by a police car. Walking up to his car, an officer says, “Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back.”
Sam replies, “Thank goodness – I’d thought I’d gone deaf.”
The dentist told Melvyn that he needed a tooth removed right away. The dentist asked, “Do you want a local anesthetic?”
Melvyn shook his head and said, “Let’s not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best–use imported.”